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I am a bee

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I am a bee stuck into a glass with a book on top. I see what is outside but cannot go there. To be frank I am convinced that if I knew where I wanted to go the glass would disappear by itself. My frustration does not come from the fact that I am a prisoner, but from the fact that I am not sure of where I should (would/could?) go if the glass was not there. My strategy is to keep looking outside and try to imagine how I could get there and ponder if it is worth it.

The frustration is increasing: since I do not decide anything I stay trapped, and now I am panicking because I realise that I’ll might not go anywhere.

I step back for a moment: how can I decide where I would like to go if I do not try it? How can I decide on theoretical ground, without experiencing it?

I realize I trap myself by not engaging with the process, but trying to control where I will go before going: this is mission impossible.

I am doing the same with my PhD: before writing the 20,000 words I need to produce for in a month time I would like to know what I am going to say and why. I need to know before I start. But then I realize I do not know, I never have the feeling of “knowing enough”… so I freeze and go back to the safe position of “I should read more to be clearer”. Back to square one: I read more but things get more complicated instead of being easier…

I need to engage with the process. Go for something that “feels right” and then discover things around it more than trying to “know that it is right” before starting – because this will never happen.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008

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