The holiday in Rome was way too good: I felt free, loved and warm… the return to my studio in London and my writing is pretty hash…
What makes me panic is the absence of boundaries in a PhD. Everything is possible, it makes me spend more time thinking about the possibilities than about what I want to do.
I suspect I need to be contained. Whether it is by someone, or by a limited scale that allows me to see where I am going… but this endless freedom of the PhD freezes me and sends me back to my deepest fears… how to deal with freedom? How to know what I really want? How not to fear other people’s judgment? How to know if I am going into the right direction? And what is right anyway???
I need to accept my fears and stay in my anxiety… can I learn to know that I do not know? Can I accept to be unclear?
If I don’t I’ll spend my time banging my head on the wall and whishing that I were different…
I think it is a question of survival: learn to be lost.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 30th, 2008