I have decided to keep diary because I feel frustrated.
The PhD is putting me in a box. A theoretical box. A box full of ideas and books but far from me. I do not fit in or, let’ s rephrase it: most of me is outside of the box, and only a marginal little part of my being –mainly the rational and abstract part- can fit in. This is highly frustrating: I spend most of my time reading books in libraries or in temples of silence… My body does not move: only my eyes seem to be authorised to have a life in this process. Great! Now I have a soar neck and a lot of negative energy trapped into my body. Can I continue to ignore “life” outside of the books?
Of course I could run, yes I could fit into my daily scheddule some healthy sport… but I have already too many things that I have to fit in those few hours of my day that do not have to be spend in “monacal reclusion”… To start with I have my kids to look after! And I want to do so, I enjoy so. Then I have to work and prepare my lessons for LCC. Then I have a house that does not seem to turn if I am not there. Definitively my house is not autopoietic: no self-organisation, no self-making. I have to be there for the online shopping, birthday parties, appointments with the electrician… etc).
So… how many things am I supposed to fit into those miserable 24 hrs!
Ah, and, yes, I also need to sleep… it is a shame but if not I feel a wreck.
Did I forget my husband in this schedule? Well, yes, I want him to fit in too.
So: either I want too much, or I need to change my approach to my PhD.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008